How about happiness?

How about happiness?

What is a really good friend/friendship?

What is a really good friend/friendship?

Days Gone By

Its a quirky thing, blogging. I think about it as days go by and on the one hand I ask myself what inspirational thing can I share... I never really have considered myself inspirational but others have.  I think I've just looked at myself as wanting to experience everything that I can and have considered the moment as being the best time to start. "What's next" has pretty much been a mantra of mine... and "no time like the present."  It's been perfectly fine in my life when I've been 'on my own' and a bit stickier when I've been in relationship. Except for now, which is fabulous.

Days gone by.. I don't know what had me name this post and the days have gone by.  There are many wonderful times and many not so wonderful times. There have been highest highs and lowest lows. Each have contributed to who I have become. I'm content. I'm also restless. Which both are exactly okay for me. 

I've been told many times "you should write a book" because of the stories that come out of me that I have lived. Perhaps those experiences will eek out in my blogging and my bloggers can vote on whether or not there is something to write about. No time like the present, eh?    

Thoughts on dis-empowering conversations that we automatically speak to ourselves

Day by day we wake up into possibility. Today, at 6:30 AM I woke up into possibility, or said another way, choice.  In that exact moment I had the opportunity to wake up into... "I should... or "I have to... or "I need to... or "I'm going to try... or whatever form of waking up into the 'default' environment that we, as human beings, automatically set up for ourselves. 

Or I had the opportunity to choose to wake up into "I will...

Think about it. If I "should on" myself, I am automatically 'off the starting block' with a 10# weight tied around my neck. I call this way-of-being 'being hopeful that my day turns out.' There is no commitment in these default conversations that show up automatically and besides, they dis-empower me as the designer of my life. 

If I live from "I have to..." then I am already making myself wrong for 'not doing what I have declared I have to be doing.' There is a difference between "I have to" and "I will."  Today, I will get up... and make a choice in the NOW. The now is all I have. Now, I can choose to continue to write this blog or now, I can choose to stop. 

Yes, there are plans that I have for the day, including choosing to be responsible for my body and going to work out however, it is up to me whether or not "I should... or "I have to.. or "I need to... or "I'm going to try...

You see, I can go on not working out. It's not something "I have to" do. That is perfectle acceptable as a choice.  I can continue to  choose not work out ever as a way to live my life and to accept whatever happens because of that choice. If I look from being responsible in designing mine as a healthy life, I will work out. There is no Have to, Need to, Should, Trying.. there is only choosing that "I will", if I choose to live my life responsibly and healthily.

And now, I choose to stop writing this blog and go work out.

 

Powerful Communication with First, Your Body Dispositions

I heard something fabulous the other day on which I've been pondering where to pay attention to how our communication with each other may become more powerful.

Marty Raphael, one of my colleagues through Newfield Network, said the following in one of our shared ontological explorations:

"First, we have a body.

Then, we have emotions.

Finally, we have linguistics." 

Let's explore this as an inquiry and how it relates to communicating powerfully.

Sometimes we pay attention to what we say. More more accurately however, we pay attention to:

"self talk" or 

"the little voice in our head" or 

"I have to" or 

"I need to" or 

"I tried.." or 

"feelings" ...

... or just generally, how we "should on" ourselves via language.

In other words, we automatically fall into talking to ourselves or others from which we find... shall I say "collusion" ... to keep our automatic ways of speaking in place. But that is fodder for another conversation.  Let's get back to Marty sharing the obvious.

"First, we have a body.

Then, we have emotions. (I'll add "and moods")

Finally, we have linguistics."  (briefly defined as "what we say and what we listen")

Are you noticing that what you are saying resides inside of a mood or an emotion? In addition, have you noticed those two domains reside within how you are 'holding' your physical body? There is a congruence with these three domains that 'we' as human beings don't often put our attention on.

An obvious example of an automatic way of speaking that does not work for you is when you are "fighting" with someone.  

There are:

1. the spoken words that come out of your mouth <"you did this" and "you did that!">

2. from an emotion and I promise you, 

3. how you are holding your body

The congruence of these three domains lead to a lack of powerful communication in an automatic way-of-being called "how I fight with someone."  This way-of-being does nothing for you other than keep you "fighting."

You might ask, how do I "get out of" this dis-empowering way of communicating? 

Look at Marty's statement... 

"First we have a body."  

We learned FIRST how to communicate via our bodies. How might you shift the conversation or the mood or the emotion from 'anger' or 'frustration' to 'acceptance' or 'compassion' or 'humility'?

If you think of how you hold your body in 'anger' or 'frustration' you will begin to see a pattern. That body disposition is where you automatically reside whenever you are in anger or frustration. 

Now to first, go with the body, shift it. Consciously move it to another body disposition, someplace that is unfamiliar to you when you are in anger.  Notice what happens. Notice how the mood or the language is altered. Notice now you have the ability to "step out" of the anger or frustration and "observe" from another view. One from which you are now able to communicate powerfully.

Exercise:  when you recognize that the Way-of-Being that you are in is not working and you "want out of it," stop yourself and notice how you are holding your body.  Then shift it.. if your shoulders are forward, move them back. If your legs are crossed, open them up. If your eyes are squinting, open them wide. If your sitting, stand up.  Then notice what happens.  What new emotion shows up? What new words of possibility show up? How does your communication shift?  As with any new practice this takes practice, practice, practice and guess what? More practice. 

Let me know how it goes.

Happy Spring!

Patricia



Patricia Hirsch
ICF Master Certified Coach
Communication Expert
Design Your Life Coaching
www.designyourlifecoaching.com

Have you considered that this life, the one you are living right now, is perfect?

Yes, yes, I know there are assessments that people live in that life will be perfect when… when "this problem" and "that problem" and "so many problems" is/are handled such that often people spend their time, their precious living time, wanting to and having to "fix" so that they will get to "life will be perfect." However, I'm going to ask you to "try on," like you would try a new hat on in a store to see if it fits, that "life is perfect."


Right now this is the life you are living. So how, pray tell, can it be anything other than perfect? This is where you will start designing the rest of your life. You have the opportunity to say whatever you wish to say, be it something of power, or beauty, or sadness, or anger, or disgust, or just plain joy. You have the opportunity to make the choices you make regardless of what others think you "should" do or "have to" say about it or any other nonsense that might get in the way of designing your life from now forward that life is perfect. 


This is your perfect life. How will you choose to design it? How will you choose to shift who you are being such that life shows up as perfect? It's not up to Mom or Dad. It's not up to your boss, your teacher, your fellow employees, your friends. It's not up to your partner. Guess who gets to choose your life. Bravo! It's YOU!! You are the one that gets to come from life is perfect - right now - and you get to choose… "x" …or maybe choose "y." What's it going to be?


Okay, say you're 58 years old, and you've been laid off a job, and you have a bad cold, and your partner is mad at you, and all you want to do is scream to the world, "It's not fair!!" Is life perfect? Absolutely! 


Being 58 years old. Wow.  However, let's take a look. That is coming into the age of wisdom, where you are able to draw on your legacy and make choices based on what you have observed in your life up till now.


Having been laid off, you can now choose where next you wish to focus your intentions and how about on your passions? Oftentimes people default into a job or career, and it's not necessarily what they wanted to do when they were young and people asked them, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Granted, you may have to adjust a few things and decrease spending to match what you can afford; however, think of what opportunities you can now design living from life is perfect.


You know you will get better if you care for your cold with responsibility. All it takes is lots of fluids, vitamins, cleanliness, and rest. 


Your partner is mad at you. Okay, this one I ask you to think from that new hat perspective that our assessments often choose for us and we let them. With a partner mad at you, what assessments are you living from that can get in the way of life is perfect with your partner? How about this one… my partner is mad at me and that's okay!


"But," you say, "how about me screaming at the world, it's not fair?" That too, is perfect. I say an emotion expressed allows the emotion to dissipate. Not the truth, just another way to look at emotions. Say the emotion fear comes up, or perhaps frustration, or how about the mood helplessness, or hopelessness, that has you want to shout "it's not fair!"? I say that's perfect. Well, what's perfect is to shout it if it is calling out to be shouted, and we are responsible about our shouting. In other words, I find the perfect place for me to shout out my frustrations or anger or upsets are while sitting inside my car, with the window down, driving down the freeway. What a perfect place in my perfect life to express those emotions that wouldn't necessarily be acceptable nor responsible inside my home (unless it's into a pillow), or my work place or a movie theater. In my perfect life, it works for me to express those emotions driving down the freeway. It's brilliant if I say so myself as I am then able to observe the fear, frustration, helplessness or hopelessness and choose to "be at cause" in my life. 


To me, life is perfect. This has been just a tiny view from my perspective. I wouldn't want it any other way. Living in life is perfect allows me to look at each of my fellow human beings as the perfect people with which to interact and since I absolutely love my fellow human beings, how perfect it is that they come into my life. 



Patricia Hirsch, MBA, Master Certified Coach 
Chief Empowerment Officer with Design Your Life Coaching